and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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