If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
