Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
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SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
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I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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