Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
