You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
