absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
There's always time for handjobs
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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