my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
