Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
