so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
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Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
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I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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