I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
