I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
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There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
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strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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