now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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