I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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