Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
worst night to have a conscience
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
