I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
