im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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