don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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