I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
