There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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