I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
