Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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