We need to rekindle our bromance
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
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He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
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I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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