come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
