kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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