i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
