How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
