I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
