New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am naked and annoyed.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
