Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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