He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
