Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
