my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
