Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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