Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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