is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
