May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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