Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
