I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
