and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
