my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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