i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
