Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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