I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
