I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
