i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
