sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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