I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
