On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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