he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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