I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Pants are for mortals
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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