dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
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