I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
