You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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